Paparazzi get paid for taking pictures of celebrities and selling them to sources that want pictures of celebrities. They get paid more for taking pictures that show the celebrities doing stuff their publicists wish there wasn’t evidence of. And sometimes, hey, if you have to irritate the crap out of someone in order to get them to make an angry face that the Enquirer can then affix with a caption like “Celebrity Goes on Drunken Rage Spree,” that’s just part of the job of being a paparazzo, right?
Here are my five favorite paparazzi stories from the past week.
#5. Gaga Flips Off Paparazzi
Okay, first, why on earth would anyone—let alone a high-clout, hot commodity like Lady Gaga—attend a NY Mets game? Were the Yankees not playing? Honestly. But, okay, so she was trying to drink a beer like a normal person watching a baseball game, and some professional photographers started taking pictures of her. So, she flips ‘em the bird. This is what’s known as a “win-win” situation. The photographers get a money shot; the Gaga gets some street cred. And, look, it’s not like she was trying to attract attention to herself, right? This is the most “down-to-earth” I’ve ever seen her look.
Hey, I just had an idea: maybe she should write a song about Paparazzi or something.
#4. January Jones Smashes Up Cars Trying to Evade Photographers
Apparently the “news” demanding photographic verification from the paparazzi is that the Mad Men star was spotted leaving somewhere in the morning wearing the same dress she had on the night before. Alert the Media! So, yeah, she’s driving home, gets distracted as she’s being pursued by camera-wielding idiots, smashes into some parked cars, then takes a cab from the crime scene to avoid being photographed more by the people following her. All this news is reported by TMZ…which is, of course, a major employer of paparazzi.
#3. Kristen Stewart “Raped” by the Camera
Ms. Steward compared paparazzi pictures of herself to images of women being raped. Which bothered some actual rape victims. She, of course, almost immediately (takes the advice of her publicist and) apologizes and regrets her choice of words. Here’s a picture of her being “raped” by paparazzi so you can judge the strength of her analogy for yourself.
#2. Megan Fox Makes an Interesting Point. (No, really.)
Zach Galifinakis (!) recently interviewed Megan Fox—and, no, not “between two ferns,” but for reals. It was in Interview Magazine. (By the way, he’s really pretty surprisingly interesting as an interviewer.) Anyway, they’re talking about paparazzi and Megan acknowledges there’s a difference between the photogs lined up at red carpets and outside award shows and those who track her down on the street. She actually gives some respect to the ones who are respectful, and seems to dismiss as meaningless the other, less polite kind. Here’s a fun little snippet from the Interview piece.
“At the end of the photo shoot that accompanies this interview, which took place at the Chateau Marmont in L.A., Fox asked if she could keep the head of the mannequin seen in the story, which was made to look exactly like her, as a souvenir. When the concern was raised that the paparazzi perched outside the hotel might get a picture of her leaving, ostensibly, carrying her own head, Fox didn’t blanch. She didn’t stop and worry about what the tabloids might do with such an image, what people might say. I mean, what would the caption be? She didn’t wring her hands or furrow her brow. She just threw her head in a shopping bag and went on her way.”
Oddly enough that kinda made me like Megan Fox a little bit more.
Oh, and word to the wise: as a special bonus, for those of you into that kind of thing, the photo spread on the Interview website features lots of shots of Megan Fox making out with a naked mannequin designed to look like Megan Fox. In case that sorta thing appeals to you.
#1. Jodie Foster Goes All Mama-Bear
In the interest of full-disclosure, I kinda love Jodie Foster so I’m biased about this one. Huff Po reported some typically sensationalist crap about her being accused of assault recently. Subsequently, she (or her people) talked to People magazine about it. Anyway, here’s the scoop as far as I can tell.
Turns out some young man with a bunch of camera bags and expensive cameras with huge telephoto lenses was crowding her and her two children. He wouldn’t back away from the kids and Jodie stepped in, grabbed him by the arm, and as I’m imagining it in the movie in my head, proceeded to slam his head through the front window of an Escalade parked nearby. Then she yanked his pants down and shoved the telephoto lens up his ass while spectators cheered.
I mean, of course, it didn’t actually go down like that. Apparently she just grabbed his arm, shoved him a little, and told him to back off. Jodie’s kids, like most kids, were kind of embarrassed about their mom’s behavior. Meanwhile, the photographer—whose DAD was apparently standing nearby watching this whole thing—is whining about the whole thing and wanting to sue her. Dad didn’t find it appropriate at the time to tell his doofus junior paparazzi spawn that maybe when a mom tells you to get away from her children, maybe you should kinda just do that.
The kid with the camera was 17, so the story goes. That makes him too young to remember the Reagan Administration and the fact that Jodie Foster has legit reasons for getting a bit uptight around stalkerish behavior. And Jesus, didn’t he see Panic Room? (Shout out to Kristen Stewart, the daughter in that film.) Jodie Foster can play mean protective mother pretty convincingly. Photographers: word to the wise, stay away from the children.
As a free bonus to my faithful readers (both of them), here’s a link to another list of famous paparazzi stories. It’s from Vanity Fair, and I respect them for confining the list to nine rather than adding a crappy tenth item just to round out the list. Go Vanity Fair, buck that top-ten trend.