Former part-time Governor and failed VP candidate, Sarah Palin recently posted a note on her Facebook page blaming environmentalists for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. While silly, elitist liberal dupes like me have been thinking that BP is to blame for the oil spill at their offshore facility, she’s tracked down the real culprits. Turns out I’m to blame. And I want to take this opportunity to apologize.
See, when I oppose drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and express concern about doing shallow water drilling right off the coast of major American population centers, it turns out that I’ve really just been forcing oil companies to pursue less safe practices…like unsafely drilling further out into the ocean in deep water venues. AND, geez I feel worst about this, I’m not a patriot because I’m really just encouraging un-American companies (i.e. countries that hate our freedoms, like BP, for instance) to take over oil production. And they don’t care about America like we do.
Oh, wait, I mean, we don’t care about America. (I’m a little unclear on this part, so bear with me and let me try this again.) Because Americans make so many safety regulations to prevent unsafe drilling practices, we love America. But because of those regulations, we “out-source” our drilling to companies run by non-Americans, who don’t care about whether unsafe drilling practices might hurt America. So by loving America, we’re actually showing how much we hate America. Or something like that. I’m still a bit unclear on how all this works, but I totally believe her.
Palin’s argument on Facebook boils down to this: “Radical environmentalists: you are damaging the planet with your efforts to lock up safer drilling areas.” And by “locking up safer drilling areas,” she means “by advocating against drilling in wildlife refuges and against putting oil rigs a few hundred yards off the coast of Los Angeles.” So, if you follow the logic on this, by trying to ensure that unsafe drilling doesn’t happen, we’re actually responsible for causing unsafe drilling. Just like how posting speed limits on interstate highways actually is responsible for making people speed. You see?
Maybe another example of “unsafe drilling” will help clarify the argument. By offering “abstinence-only education” and keeping schools from making condoms available at schools, we’re really only encouraging sex and the resistance to contraception. See? Those folks who are out there suggesting that schools offer practical sex education and provide contraception… they’re the ones contributing to the high rates of teen pregnancy in the most conservative, religious states in America.
And how are Bristol Palin and her lovely child of an unwed teen mother, by the way? I hope her lectures about the importance of abstinence are making her enough money to help feed that baby that was born when she decided to forego abstinence and resisted using birth control.
I’m not criticizing Bristol, of course. It’s not her fault. Or Levi Johnston’s fault. They obviously had no control over their actions whatsoever. It’s those damn extreme, liberal, elitists who were encouraging safe sex who are to blame for that whole thing. By advocating safe sex, we were actually forcing them to have unsafe sex. Poor kids. It’s a crime what we did to them. Because, don’t you get it? By trying to prevent something, you actually cause it. You FORCE it to happen.
I’d like to expand Palin’s logic and offer a few related proposals to help make America a better place.
We must immediately decriminalize all illegal drugs. By trying to keep drugs off the streets, we’re only causing drug addiction and increasing the number of people arrested for drug-related crimes. If there were no laws against drugs, there’d be no drug pushers or users clogging up our prisons.
Close all Fire Departments and Police Stations immediately. Every time I see a story on my local t.v. news about a fire or a crime, there are always Firemen and Cops on the scene. There’s a clear correlation between the presence of Fire Fighters and Police and the incidence of fires and crime. I’m sure if we got rid of all Fire and Police Departments, there’d be fewer fires and crimes.
Shut down the FDA and the CDC. Since they’re so publically linked to news stories about e.coli and swine flu, we just need to get rid of them.
Close all schools and colleges. Education causes ignorance and stupidity. I mean, look at poor Mrs. Palin. She went through four or five colleges before she found one who could give her a degree in something. And look how that turned out.