Top 10 Quotes from VH1’s June 2032 broadcast of “Behind the Music: Justin Bieber”

After being off the air for decades, the folks at VH1 decided in 2032 to re-boot their popular “Behind the Music” series.  They chose as their subject for this re-inaugural a man whose name had been more recently associated with legal trouble than with popular music:  Justin Bieber.  As only they can do, VH1 managed to pull together tons of B-roll footage, new interviews, and stock footage, then used the “Ken Burns Effect” on their MacBook Pro’s iMovie app, and added some flashy titles and an ominous voice over.  The result:  pure schadenfreudian gold.  Fly with me into the future to hear highlights from this very special future episode. 

Top 10 Quotes from VH1’s June 2032 broadcast of “Behind the Music:  Justin Bieber”

10.  Kirk Cameron, evangelist and former child star:

“I know what I did to him was displeasing to God, but I still believe, deep down in my soul that it wasn’t me…it was some sort of demonic possession that made me accost him like that.  And I truly believe that with the help of Exodus International I’m going to conquer this thing, this demon inside me.  I’ll be another ex-gay success story by Christmas, God willing, and then I can get back to making videos disputing evolution.”

9.  Scott Braun, Bieber’s manager in the early days:

“I thought all the talk about the whole castration thing was just a joke, but it became clear after a while the suits at Island Def Jam were serious.  They were just terrified about what would happen when his voice broke.  I’m just glad Ludacris was there with him that night when the guy broke in with the ether and the scalpel.  The label claims it was just some deranged stalker, but I still think it’s pretty suspicious.”

8.  Chelsea Handler,  television host

“No, no, no–he was the one coming on to me!  Making all these nasty cougar jokes and grabbing my ass.  I had no idea he was still a virgin before we hooked up that night.  I mean he was a celebrity and 18 and cute; what are the chances he couldn’t get laid by someone younger and hotter than me?  And, listen, honestly, that night…I only agreed to get in the jacuzzi naked with him because I figured he was too drunk to get it up anyway.  That kid drinks like a fucking fish.  Seriously, he’s hung like a horse, but he drinks like a fish.  Well…I mean, you’ve seen the video online, so you know.”

7.  Stephen Powell, former Communications Director for G.L.A.A.D.:

“Oh it was an absolute disaster, our most embarrassing defeat in decades.  The boycott started when he announced on Jimmy Fallon’s show that he got his hair cut because he was, quote sick of looking like an old lesbian end-quote.  It got a big laugh but we weren’t amused.  But despite all our work, and much to our chagrin, we just couldn’t convinced gay men to stop buying his music.  And to top it all off, after he got the crew cut, the dykes even started liking him!  Lemme just say…it was not the best campaign I’ve ever run.  I deserved to be fired after that whole mess.”

6.  Usher, actor-singer-director-author:

“After all that time I finally had to just face it, you know?  It just wasn’t gonna last between us.  It was a generational thing, know what I mean?  This one time I say to him “Listen, J.B., it’s totally natural.  Michael Jackson used to do this with boys even younger than you,” and my man was all like “Who’s Michael Jackson?”  That’s when I knew it was over.  Sad day, man.”

5.  Dr. Rajiv Patel, Head of Neurology at UCLA Medical Center:

“The first few times anyone runs head first into a glass door, it could be considered the accident of a typical clumsy person.  At that point, okay, put it on the YouTube and have yourself a laugh.  But his manager told me when Mr. Bieber reached his late teens he was doing it upwards of 10 times a day.  They thought it might be a neurological condition at first, so they brought him in to see me.  We did every test we could think of, but could find nothing wrong with him.  It turns out he was just inattentive and perhaps too narcissistic to pay attention to the world around him.  I have heard, in the media, reports of him abusing narcotics, but the hospital’s lawyers have advised me to state that I have no comment on that.”

4.  Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight novels:

“His people approached me about inventing a character for him in the series.  After he got out of rehab the first time his publicist was looking for a high profile project to announce his big comeback.  So we all sat down for a meeting to talk about my adding a character to the ninth book in the series–with the assumption that Justin would play him in the movie–but before we even finished the introductions he just stood up and started shouting “Make me a centaur!  I want to be a centaur!”  He was cursing, his entourage was trying to calm him down…oh, it was a mess.  He ripped his shirt off and started snorting around the room like a horse, talking about how Taylor Lautner’s a pansy.  It was all very tense.  Very awkward.  I kinda felt bad for him honestly.”

3.  K.R. Sebert (formerly known as Ke$ha), Geriatric Social Worker, former pop artist:

“Such a long time ago…what we at NarcAnon call ‘the bad old days.’  Let’s see… the idea for the duets album came at a low point in both our careers.  We were just goofing around, strung out as usual behind the halfway house where I was staying at the time.  I hadn’t even heard of “High School Musical” before–totally not my scene at the time–but J.B. was convinced the world really needed to hear us do cover tunes from it as duets.  “As retro kitsch,” he kept saying.  “The world needs more retro kitsch.”  I’m not sure who he had to blow at the label to get them to agree to this, but whoever it was, I hope it was worth it to him because that album sucked ass.  Everyone in the booth that day just had this somber, patient attitude; no one would look him in the eye.  That was it for me.  Everyone knew he was washed up.  And I knew I’d hit rock bottom.  Again.  I checked back into rehab the next morning.”

2.  Isaac Hanson: minister, former child star

“He can say it was consensual all he wants, but that doesn’t make it true.  And even if it it were, that still doesn’t make it okay.  The kids ranged in age from my youngest, who was 15 at the time, to Zac’s middle child, who was 19, I think.  And he was well into his 30s by this point.  I’d kill him with my bare hands if I weren’t philosophically opposed to violence.  That one pool party at his house that night spoiled a lot of innocence…and the whole thing really hurts the reputations of all us former child pop stars out there.

1.  Justin Bieber:  currently serving a 10-15 year prison term at Avenal State Prison in Kings County, California.

“Prison’s been…I mean…uh… I didn’t realize, I mean…you know, it’s not…It’s not like I thought it would be.  I figured people would, like, know me, you know?  LIke know who I was.  For the first couple months even I’d occasionally sing little bits of “One Time” or “Baby” in the showers, you know?  Do a few of the old dance steps.  Bad idea, man.  Didn’t really, uh, go over the way I, uh, the way I was hoping it would.  But I know better now.  I’ve grown up a lot in here.  I’m not the same kid I was back when I was 32, you know what I’m saying?  I found Jesus, man.  Changed my whole outlook on a lotta things.  Helps me get through the day.  And the nights, you know?  And I just praise Jesus for introducing me to Kirk Cameron.  God bless that man; he’s an angel.  Comes in every few days to pray with me, to visit, to just hold me sometimes.  I don’t know what I’d do without him.  He gives me hope.  We keep talking about how when I get out of here we’re gonna start a speaking tour together, go around to schools talking about the dangers of drugs and hip hop and pre-marital sex; talk about Jesus and intelligent design and stuff, you know, keep it real with the kids of today.  I can’t wait to get out there and spread the good word. It’s tough being a kid out there these days.  It’s tough, man.  Trust me.  I know.”

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3 Responses to Top 10 Quotes from VH1’s June 2032 broadcast of “Behind the Music: Justin Bieber”

  1. C-mor says:

    HA! there are no words for this…

  2. Pingback: Rhizomatic Awesomeness | docdlp's Blog

  3. Pingback: Bieber Fever Is Deadly | Global Grind

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