Little Red Sports Cars

25 behaviors of recent college graduates that are also, for a 41 year old single man, symptomatic of a potentially debilitating midlife crisis

  1. calling half a tray of DoubleStuf Oreos and five microwaved tacquitos “dinner”
  2. finding certain stars of CW shows attractive despite their being under the age of 30
  3. letting dirty laundry pile up on the floor rather than putting it into the nearby hamper or laundry basket
  4. letting dishes pile up in the sink rather than putting them in the dishwasher immediately
  5. bitching about how unfair life is
  6. visiting celebrity gossisp sites or comedy blogs that sometimes feature links marked “NSFW”
  7. doing shots of any alcoholic beverage more than once per month
  8. sometimes going for three weeks without changing out your sheets or bath towels
  9. frequently updating your Facebook status
  10. knowing most of the words to any Justin Bieber song
  11. wearing clothes that are considered “retro” fashion
  12. wondering if your high school sweetheart might still put out now if you had half a bottle of peach schnapps, a borrowed station wagon, and just the right power ballad on the radio
  13. holding out hope that you might be able to have a successful career as a freelance writer despite the fact that everybody says you’re being unrealistic and need to just find a regular job
  14. reading novels about sexy young people and the vampires who love them
  15. spending over six consecutive hours playing games on a computer, PlayStation, or Wii
  16. owning both a PlayStation and a Wii, and buying new games for it even though you’re not sure you’ll be able to pay your cell phone bill that month
  17. using LOL, OMG, or WTF as if they were actually words
  18. having a nickname for your stupid boss, your bong, or any part of your anatomy
  19. attending midnight premieres of movies featuring superheroes
  20. giggling at dick and fart jokes
  21. swearing you’ll never become old and conservative like your “total sell-out parents”
  22. dreaming of starting your own indie rock band despite not knowing how to actually play a single musical instrument in real life
  23. saving as “favorites” more than a dozen YouTube videos of cute kittens/babies, people hurting themselves while doing skateboard tricks, or remixes of that Hitler movie with clever new subtitles
  24. wanting to buy a really cool little convertible sports car, preferably in red
  25. having doubts about whether that college degree was really worth all the loans you took out and will still be paying off for decades to come
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One Response to Little Red Sports Cars

  1. Crock says:

    I, for one, will never give up #19 or #20.

    I think the sequel to this list should be “Things Older Women Do With Impugnity That Would Get A Man of Any Age Arrested Or At Least Called A Perv.”

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